54321blastoff

Hey friends. I’m sorry for yet another hiatus. I will try to check in daily for good from this point on.

This past weekend was crazy — my good friend is getting engaged so I went home (out of state) for an engagement party this weekend and I danced my socks off. My back hurt so bad the next day! And then I took the train back into town and I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things ever since. I’m not planning to leave town anytime soon so hopefully I can get back to work. The good news is I lost the two pounds I previously gained. Seeing that on my weight ticker was annoying so I’m glad I can edit that!

While I realize that weight loss needs to be for you and yourself, the wedding is conveniently serving as a great goal date for me. It’s in the summer, and I’m hoping to be under 130 at that point. Hopefully I can do it! Now that my hip is cooperating I think I can go full force ahead. I can’t wait. I haven’t been under 130 since I was a freshman in high school.

I have been struggling with a few things as of late, but I’m trying to stay focused. Here they are:

1) Questioning my faith. I really do believe there is a higher power and this has been my inspiration to get back up and get things going. But I feel like religion is sometimes used as a tool to control women and who they can and cannot be with — like “marry this pool of men, but not this pool of men.” Kind of tribal you know? At the end of the day it’s about who you want to be close with, and that should ultimately be your choice. I don’t think beliefs should get in the way of free will and I am frustrated that there will be any other feelings but happy feelings surrounding my relationship. Religion should be a source of inspiration and not distress, so I am getting a little irked. I guess I just need to remind myself that it’s the 21st century, I’m an independent woman and I make my own choices.

2) Some family drama. It’s so complicated that I wouldn’t be able to explain it if I tried, but I’m trying to remain calm and collected and do the right thing. Sometimes “the right thing” is so grey you know? But I’m trying to figure it out. It’s hard when the “adults” don’t work with me but I hope the next generation treats each other with more kindness.

3) I can’t decide what keyboard to buy and it’s driving me crazy! I have been researching them for months. AGGHHH!!! I’ll figure it out. There’s just way too many choices i guess.

4) Fear. I am embarking on what I hope is a very defining piece of musical work for me and I have cold feet. It’s something I’ve wanted my whole life and I worry that I won’t be able to cut it. I think i just have to start SOMEhow and it will work out.

I hope you are all doing well. Goodnight

Got my second star today. It’s kind of already turned into an end-of-the-day ritual and it’s nice because it’s kind of like, after I do everything right and get a star, I’m done eating for the day and I won’t randomly stay up til three munching on chocolate (not so far-fetched for me).

I swam 33 lengths of the pool today!! I alternated between two laps of kicking holding on to the board, and two laps of backfloating and propelling myself with just my arms. I figured that this would work out my arms and legs, and I feel good so I hope it’s doing something. I’m going to add in the recumbent bike tomorrow (the kind that looks like you’re sitting in a bucket seat and cycling). I like it because it doesn’t seem to hurt my hip. Now that I know what it’s like to be injured, I really appreciate the ability to work toward physical fitness a lot more (because i was pretty stationary for a while when I was healing).

After that I tried this yoga DVD I bought a long time ago and never tried. If you ever want to get into yoga, try Shiva Rae’s Yoga Shakti. It was great, and they film her doing yoga on the beach which is calming, and it flows nicely. And there’s a million different yoga combinations and you can combine your own too by clicking on your favorite moves and making a personalized workout. It just seems like a great DVD that’s worth it. I recommend getting a sticky yoga mat too because I was sliding all over the place!

This morning before any of my workouts i met with a physical therapist just to see what she had to say about my hip. She confirmed the bursitis diagnosis and she showed me some stretches to do. She also easily pushed down on my legs when i was trying to push back and keep them up in the air which showed me just how weak my leg/hip muscles are. I’m going to make it a priority to get strength training in my workout specifically for this reason.

I have another swim lesson in the early morning so I better get some shuteye. Have a good night everyone!

Got my second star today. It’s kind of already turned into an end-of-the-day ritual and it’s nice because it’s kind of like, after I do everything right and get a star, I’m done eating for the day and I won’t randomly stay up til three munching on chocolate (not so far-fetched for me).

I swam 33 lengths of the pool today!! I alternated between two laps of kicking holding on to the board, and two laps of backfloating and propelling myself with just my arms. I figured that this would work out my arms and legs, and I feel good so I hope it’s doing something. I’m going to add in the recumbent bike tomorrow (the kind that looks like you’re sitting in a bucket seat and cycling). I like it because it doesn’t seem to hurt my hip. Now that I know what it’s like to be injured, I really appreciate the ability to work toward physical fitness a lot more (because i was pretty stationary for a while when I was healing).

After that I tried this yoga DVD I bought a long time ago and never tried. If you ever want to get into yoga, try Shiva Rae’s Yoga Shakti. It was great, and they film her doing yoga on the beach which is calming, and it flows nicely. And there’s a million different yoga combinations and you can combine your own too by clicking on your favorite moves and making a personalized workout. It just seems like a great DVD that’s worth it. I recommend getting a sticky yoga mat too because I was sliding all over the place!

This morning before any of my workouts i met with a physical therapist just to see what she had to say about my hip. She confirmed the bursitis diagnosis and she showed me some stretches to do. She was also easily pushed down on my legs when i was trying to keep them up in the air which showed me just how weak my leg/hip muscles are. I’m going to make it a priority to get strength training in my workout specifically for this reason.

I have another swim lesson in the early morning so I better get some shuteye. Have a good night everyone!

Hellooooooo friends. I am back. Sorry for the hiatus, I had finals, but I’m back on the wagon. Yesterday was my last final and today I was COMPLETELY free to spend it however I wanted. I am happy to report that I spent it eating healthy, going to the gym with my guy, and having a piano lesson. I am absolutely exhausted right now from kicking around in the pool. It is a lot of work! My bf taught me the “tickle-t-down” which is when you’re on your back in the pool, and you put your hands by your armpits, then put your arms out and make a “T” with your body, and then push your arms down. I guess that’s what they call it when they teach little kids. He urged me to go the full length of the pool this way (i.e. the deep end). I was scared because I try not to venture over there without a board but I gave it a shot and I did it!!! I am very proud. So now I know I won’t die. So now all I need to learn is how to swim facing DOWN. At any rate, my arms and legs are tired so I am happy.

Sometimes, especially when looking in the mirror, it’s hard to believe I’ll ever lose the weight though, you know? I just see how thick I am when I turn to the side. And it’s also hard to believe because swimming is so relaxing to me. But I know I’m getting a workout and that’s what matters I guess. I can be an impatient person, but when I remind myself that it’s not a race and I am just bettering myself in whatever time it takes, that makes me feel better.

Oh last thing, I read on another blog that the woman started giving herself gold stars when she did a good job that day. I thought it was a GREAT idea, so today I’m getting my first official gold star. I had already made a chart and was going to color in the boxes each day I had a good day, but that’s no fun in comparion to STARS!!! They come in packs of different colors so I guess they can’t all be gold, but I have deemed that today I shall have a gold star.

In addition to studying, I think I was avoiding my blog for two reasons. Here they are:

1) I decided not to take more piano lessons after all, because i wanted to save that 200 bucks toward getting a nicer keyboard. I felt bad reporting that here but i realized that you guys are all supportive no matter what. I remember that when I was younger, voice lessons were really useful because you can’t just teach yourself how to sing — someone has to show you all the ways you can use your voice that you never even considered. But on the piano, it’s pretty self-explanatory….”plink plink” you push the key down. I already read music so it’s just a matter of getting used to playing and making it a habit. All these years I was sad i never had lessons as a kid — only NOW i realize that it’s all in me….i just need to be a little disciplined and i can learn to play with the best of them. I think i used to blame a lack of parental guidance for some of my issues….in this instance i guess i just want to take responsibility and say that all along all i really needed to do was to step up to the plate and teach myself. I really take ownership of that now. I’m happy i had those first few lessons though to get the ball rolling and get my motivation and enthusiasm going!

2) I guess i just wanted you all to know that Sherazade isn’t my real name. I am a real person on a real journey though, and everything i write here is true. Just because it’s the internet, and I guess I never want my family to find this and read this, I guess I’m just being careful. I have to keep secrets from them sometimes just to be able to live my life in peace, which is a whole ‘nother story. But I didn’t want to lie to you either, so that’s where i’m at. Hope we can still be friends.

Helloo world! Tonight is going to be an all-nighter probably, studying and studying and then library all day tomorrow and then dinner with my boo. Just finished writing his card, and baked/decorated some cookies.

A couple more notes about swimming that I forgot —

1) after allowing myself to go into the deep end, I realized just how long the pool really is! it takes me a while to get across. Hopefully I can build up leg strength and perfect my kick because right now I am moseying down the lane pretty slowly.

2) I agree with Jacqueline’s comment, it is so weird when people wait for a lane! This one woman was doing that and I didn’t even realize that’s what she was doing. I though she just felt like putting her feet in the water or something, ha! Then I figured it out. I felt really silly just wading around in the shallow end trying to perfect my float (that was my actual swimming homework) while she was staring at me, so I just got out. I need to figure out when it’s less busy so people will leave me alone!

Recorded some songs on video tonight so that we can put them on youtube. Hopefully people will love us eventually. There is a line in the Stevie Wonder song, Overjoyed, that goes like this: “And though you don’t believe that they do, they do come true.” It’s talking about dreams. My guitarist said those lyrics outloud to me tonight and it was nice to hear. I realized that you just have to keep on keeping on and keep putting yourself out there. Hopefully one of these days I can be the professional singer I’ve always dreamed to be.

Goodnight, y’all.

Hey all, so I finally had my first swim lesson. It had been cancelled a few times by my swimming partner (just met her today, she seems nice) so I’m happy it FINALLY happened. I floated on my back and kicked my way to the deep end and back successfully. I probably won’t go past five feet when I’m on my own until I can say for certain, “I know how to swim,” but with the instructor there it was nice to see that I am able to do it without freaking out or drowning. I really do love being in the water and my hip feels better after I get out! Also, thank goodness for conservative cut swimsuits, am I right or am I right?

I’m learning a method called “total immersion”, if you’re into swimming you should try it out sometime. I’m not sure how long it will take me to get used to it as the form is somewhat different than your normal swimming technique, but I guess it’s good that I’m a clean slate and not accustomed to any particular way of swimming. If you’re interested there’s a book on it, also called “Total Immersion.” here is a youtube video of someone swimming with the method if you’re interested.

It’s hard to think that I’ll ever be a “swimmer” even though I know that’s my goal. I just never thought of myself as an athlete you know? I failed the “turtle” swimming level way back in the day when I took a swim class. And I’m probably feeling sorry for myself that I’m in a little pain right now too. I think back to high school at those people on the swim team — the guys seemed so buff and confident, bleaching their hair for comeraderie and shaving their arms and legs ceremoniously for competitions. It was like a cult!!! And the girls seemed so natural and vibrant — I don’t ever leave the house without some makeup on!! But I guess 1) I can be whatever I want to be and 2) people can be multifaceted and don’t have to fit into my small perceptions of what goes where. I can be who I am and also be a great swimmer one day.

I talked to my friend who is a doctor on the phone today about my hip a little. There might be a small possibility the cortisone injection might have gone into a ligament, based on my symptoms. He talked about how I will feel a lot better with routine exercise that doesn’t hurt, because I’ll build up my muscles and won’t notice the ligament as much (if it is an issue with my ligament). We also talked about how I’m small, just 5′2, and even a small weight gain really affects me and my joints. I’m jealous of my 21-year-old self — I’d been my current weight back then, but I shed it almost as quickly as I put it on with some diligent exercise and diet. Now I’m not like a rubberband, I can’t just fix things and snap back into place. I am getting older and I have to maintain myself. For someone who was previously kind of careless and spacey, I have a long road ahead of me!! But if it’s gradually getting back into shape and being disciplined about it, or being overweight and in pain, I’ll definitely take the first option.

I used to only want to lose weight to be skinny, look good in pictures, and wear fashionable clothes. Now I realize it’s so much more than that. I guess I never thought of it as my health, and that’s why I could never maintain it. Well, it’s not too late to start — here’s to health.

I tucked bags of frozen vegetables in my stretch pants to ice my hip. I looked very silly and when I got up the bags had melted and I looked like I had an accident on the couch. Ha! The good thing is that it helped somewhat and hopefully I’ll be back in the game soon. I will get acquainted with more frozen bags of vegetables each day.

It’s been a little hard to concentrate. I have to write a paper on something I have no idea about, and I am so bogged down with family stuff that I just want to give up and go to sleep! The dull pain in my hip makes it a little hard to concentrate too, but I’ll get through it. The school pressure is too much!!! I will never ever take two math-related courses at the same time again, I’m about to go insane.

One nice thing about this new laptop though, is that I can lay in bed and work on stuff, thus my hip doesn’t hurt as much while getting my assignments done. There is always a bright side.

Update on other random stuff: I signed up for more piano lessons. I wasn’t going to, but my teacher honestly takes an interest and gives me new resources each week, so I couldn’t fathom just walking away. I signed up right when I had the inkling to so I wouldn’t back out later and just think “Meh, whatever.” It’s nice to get a new song each week and I honestly like practicing and am getting better. I am learning how to play jazz piano and we worked on improvising today and that was super fun.

I have a swim lesson on friday. Yeah!

That is all for tonight. Goodnight everyone!

Ughhh. Minor setback….I went on the scale (I haven’t been on my game at all lately due to my throbbing hip) and I gained two pounds. I’m not really surprised since 157 seems to be my “equilibrium” weight right now. I didn’t think it affected me but it always does. I was sad about it, and way later into the day I bought a box of snickers ice cream bars and ate two of them. For shame!!!!!!!! FOR SHAMEE!!!!!!

Haha. Well, note to self: Do not go on the scale unless you really have been working hard and you think you’re going to see something positive. Maybe I’ll stick to going on the scale once a week. Let’s make it Sundays. And only once I really get some momentum so that I don’t sabotage myself.

In the meantime, I finally am on medication for a week to decrease the inflamation in my hip and back. I REALLY did NOT want to go on meds, but it’s just a week and hopefully it will help put me in the right direction. As I said earlier, I’m also going to be slammed with tests in the next two weeks — but hopefully I can still keep up with water workout at the very least. Ay me!

Wish me luck on tests, and on battling the bulge!!!

Helloooooo.

I found that I’ve been more tearful lately, but not in a depressed way. At sad things and at happy things too. Here is why I think this is:

I was in a very difficult line of work prior to what I’m up to now that involved being emotionally there for very down-on-their-luck people. It was very draining for me and I ran from emotion as fast as I could. I think I even convinced myself that I’m an unfeeling person just so I could get away from it and feel normal when I wasn’t at my job anymore. I’d run home and watch E News (not that I don’t watch that now, but it shouldn’t be a necessary thing!) Now I’m doing something very dry and technical, and it’s given me the liberty to be who I really am during my off-time. I am finally allowed to deal with my own emotions and not anyone else’s, so that is pretty freeing.

I’ve mentioned family issues so that’s something that hits me every now and then. Someone I know gave some good advice to another friend that I thought was pretty relevant for my life, so I wanted to share. Perhaps you can find some meaning in it too.
They talked about how you need to be self-reliant, especially when it comes to your emotions. When someone says something rude to you (like maybe that you are “fat”) that you should be so okay with yourself that it doesn’t bother you. If it hits home and makes you feel sad, instead of wallowing, you need to think, “Well what am I going to do about it?” I think that’s why we’re all here, to do something about it, so that’s great.

It’s also nice to remember that, while God is there for us and can turn on the light and show us the way, it’s us who have to take the first steps. We have to try and make an effort for things to happen, we can’t just sit there and feel entitled to change if we’re not willing to participate in creating it. I think for a long time, especially in school, I would just coast and get pretty good grades. I figured trying hard was unnecessary if I was getting grades close to what I wanted. But my friend talked about how it feels good to try at something. How simply putting effort into something like working out and then seeing results is really rewarding. I really liked that.

And on that note, I should get some sleep so I can take part in my own change tomorrow. Goodnight, world.

Today I was riding in the car with my family and an M.I.A. song came on. In case you don’t know, she is who my profile picture is of. My cousin said, “This is Sherazade’s alter-ego. This would be Sherazade if she was completely uninhibited.” I added that it is like my inner soul and I completely agree. It was nice to know that my cousin knows me well enough to know that about me, but it bothered me that I am not yet my “completely uninhibited self.” It’s totally cheesy, but it was uplifting in a way too. I guess because I realized it’s not an ideal that I’m STRIVING for that I am NOT yet — it is something inside me that I need to let out completely. That was mind boggling and when I really think that that person is already inside me, it’s almost hard to believe myself but I know it’s true. I really don’t want to disappoint that quirky little girl that I was — I don’t want to just resign myself to normalcy if there is so much more I have to offer. I guess I just have to figure out how to offer it.

I incurred a minor financial setback to help a friend. Usually I am not that much of a “helper” but it was a loan that will be repaid and it was for someone who’s stuck their neck out for me before. Sometimes I do believe that I’m a “fixer” — I try to find solutions when there’s a problem. I wasn’t always this way, I used to just wallow. But an aunt and uncle of mine taught me by example (by helping me fix certain aspects of my life) that there is always a solution, no matter how impossible things seem. So here I am applying those skills. I’m glad to do so and I hope it works out.

Has anyone read One Hundred Years of Solitude? This book was super hard to read and very depressing, but I find it applying to my life in so many ways. One major theme is when someone (my mother) does something horrible and then denies it ever happened. Another major theme is how families repeat mistakes throughout each generation. I really, really don’t want to repeat mistakes. This year started off really rocky but I want 2010 and age 25 to be meaningful and productive and positive and I think part of that is to figure out how to refrain from remaking mistakes.

I think I need to be more like my cousin. I watched him dance in a show today. I never cease to be amazed by him. He is artistically inclined like me, a phenomenal dancer, and he is the most precise, perfectionist person I know. He’s not dull by any means though — he really is one of the goofiest people I know. He never loses his temper. I am always in awe of him and I respect how he always seems to have situations and himself under control. I’m the first to admit that I lose my temper when someone is hurtful toward me, and sometimes I procrastinate and feel bogged down. I really would like to be more like him. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out.

All in all, I had a nice, full day, with wonderful family and friends and I’m glad to be alive.